All I do is…

It’s been a minute since I’ve been able to focus enough to take the time and sit and write anything. But I don’t really know why that is. I mean it’s like I do anything, really, besides give myself the impression of being busy, but it’s not with anything actually, other than thinking and stressing and worrying about what am I doing / how do I make money / how I don’t have the time to do anything productive / what value do I actually have to being to the world. I’m just trying to get paid, dollah dollah bill y’all.

So I change my mind everyday? So what?
So I can’t pick one thing to write about and keep it consistent? So what? So I really honestly want to do too much and wind up doing nothing? So what?
So I listen to other people too much? So what?

The key to success is consistency. Small tasks that lead up to big things. I hear this everywhere, my Facebook feed is pretty much filled up with so much of the same thing from everybody that I’ve stopped reading it. I’ve stopped believing that I can change because I haven’t, and I’ve been trying so damn hard.

Nahmean?

I know that I can help others, through my own struggles, but I honestly don’t know how to do that or what to help them with.

Part of me just doesn’t give a shit anymore. Part just says ‘fuck it I’m going to write about whatever the hell I want to write about. I’m going to spend my money as it comes to me on whatever I want to spend it on (of course I only want to spend it on constructive things these days, no more “empty pursuits”), I’m going to work wherever I want to work and do whatever I want to do, and travel and go wherever I want to go’. But I don’t think the world works like that. I mean after all that little question of work and money is what keeps me from doing all this anyway, right?

Or maybe it’s actually all in my mind. Maybe I’m the one that keeps me from doing all this, that I’m only following the shadow of my thoughts instead of actually living?

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All I do is…